Comfort food, soothing songs, calming joy

Whenever I need comforting, I resort to one of the following routines:

(a) purchase of one too many baklavas (sweet layers of filo pastry filled with chopped nuts and sweetened with syrup or honey), a rush home to make a pot of tea, followed by a plonk on the sofa with the TV channel on BBC World, preferably with one of those documentaries such as the World’s Untold Stories or the Qatar Debates
(b) Listen to Marvin Gaye’s absolutely marvellous epic rhymes as told in the classic ‘What’s Going On?’ album, preferably whilst driving on a scenic route
(c)Afternoon spent at Mummy’s kitchen table – eating home cooked food, enjoying some wine, and chit chatting the day away knowing that you wouldn’t trade these moments for anything else

And I certainly needed my baklavas yesterday
As I and my colleagues drove into Roberts International airport, I was glad for the imminent return home. Home. Comfort. Rest.

But even before I walked into the airport terminal the thoughts of my personal effects which I would now have to go home without engulfed my feelings, for we had just realised that the hotel porter had failed to bring my luggage down to the hotel lobby from the room as I had asked. In a rush to our meetings of the morning, confident that the porter had followed the instructions given to him, I had failed to check that my luggage was in the boot of the car together with those of my colleagues. It was too late now to go back to the hotel now and return to the airport – we had less than an hour or so before departure, and we were travelling on an American airline. The security checks would take at least that amount of time.

I pondered on the items of my personal effects that I would be going home without:

 My Tiffany Amber black flowing chiffon comfort skirt. That one that you could dress up and dress down. Yes, the one that was ready-to-wear whatever time of the month it is and whatever the occasion – formal or informal
 My newly purchased ReneeQ designed Swarovski crystal jewellery set. Less than a week old. Expressly chosen, lovingly worn only on one other occasion.
 My gorgeous Seyi Jones Afro-chic, puffy sleeved shirt. Dress up, dress down – any day, any time. No more
 And my Bible. My Message translation of the Holy Bible. Yes, The Message. For I did away with the King James’ and the NIVs years ago for a more refreshing, energising and down-to-earth translation of The Holy Bible.
 My only pair of flat shoes – reserved for travelling and those European and American walk-till-you-drop shopping trips
 All of my make-up. Yes, ALL. Foundation, powder, lip liner, mascara, blush. Even my Bobbi Brown liquid eyeliner duo.

Oh yes, I needed comforting.

After the two hour long flight I arrived home and longed for my cup of tea and baklava. I longed to hear Mr Gaye speak inspiration into me even as he would sing those instructive and melodious songs and hymns in the ‘What’s Going On?” album. I longed for Mummy’s hug and to hear her voice. I longed for a feast at her kitchen table. Comfort.

But Mummy was in Zimbabwe, the supermarket was closed when I arrived back home, and I couldn’t find my What’s Going On? CD.

Calming joy
But hey, guess what? Mummy’s back tonight and I found my CD this morning!

I revelled in the melody and message of the songs as I drove to the gym early this morning. The air was clean and fresh as I drove, and I knew, as I felt then, that all God’s children need comforting every now and again. In between thanking God and finding relaxation, I pondered on where and how I would replace my make-up items, Bible and favourite sloppy-lounging-at home dress. I exhaled.

But the lyrics of all the songs on that CD really lifted and comforted me. Marvin Gaye rhymed of the need to make peace a priority and not war: peace with yourself and peace in the world. He crooned of the need to respect our environment, not to destroy it for in so doing we save ourselves – inevitably respecting yourself, humanity and the lives of others; and he spoke of the need for freedom. Freedom from the lies of governments and freedom from the deceit of our political leaders. And last but not least Mr Gaye beamed about Love – the love for God and the love for humanity.

Oh yes, I was comforted.

Adjusting the sails

We cannot always direct the tenor and severity of the wind of life that blows at us, we but can certainly adjust the sails.

We can adjust the sails and even as we do so the day comes when you gather the strength of spirit so high that you not only adjust the sails, but you also threaten the sacred cow that seeks to intimidate you.

Confronting our difficulties is sometimes as necessary as praying them away.

Dousing self importance
This week has been a week filled with God’s abundant grace; and I have had to stoop and choose humility and compassion in a situation where I really might have chosen fury. I believe that in choosing meekness instead of fury, I threatened the sacred cow that sought to intimidate and imprison me in the stronghold of pride and self-importance. Note, self-importance – not self-assurance which I spoke/wrote about some days ago, for these are two totally opposing dispositions.

We can adjust the sails and choose faith, hope and love as the principles that will bind and govern our behaviours and responses. For in doing that you not only demonstrate self-mastery but you also exhibit faith, hope and love.

Faith, hope and love
But even as I think self-mastery is a crucial and critical tool for this C21st living, I am convinced that faith, hope and love are ancient tools of the art of living. I haven’t mastered these myself but I certainly must. For with faith, we exhibit an acceptance that we are creators of The Creator; with hope we demonstrate our reliance on The Creator; and with love we express the gladness of faith and hope’s profit and dividend.

The ancient Holy Scriptures speak to the importance and significance of love. And as we approach St Valentine’s day it is heart warning to speak of love!

But we really should speak of love not as the verb but as a noun. We should speak of the Love that is governed by faith, hope and love. For the verb to love today has become synonymous with falsities. The falsities of sending red roses to your sweetheart on St Valentine’s day when you know that you haven’t really respected nor loved him/her. The roses sit on her/his table rather as a trophy of falsities as opposed to a testimony of your endearment.

The falsities of ‘treating’ your partner to a weekend at that exquisite resort for St.Valentine only for you to sneak away at moments during the weekend to make that call, send that text or that BB IM to your ‘bit on the side’. These are the falsities that keep us worshiping the sacred cow of pride and self-importance, even as we nurture and feed the cycle of vulnerability.

The greatest of these is Love
But let us talk about the noun Love. Love, founded on faith and hope. Love, which really ought to govern all things. For if Love governed all things we might really all know a happier existence. Love has chosen though, in tenderness and affection, to allow us the liberty of mind and the freedom to choose Him, Love, or to choose love. I am convinced that Love’s premise in doing that is to permit us the independence of mind to realise that love fails but Love abides.

But when we persist in love, the doings and undoings of love, catastrophe strikes. The catastrophes of denial and despair. The catastrophe of love may strike once, it may strike twice or it may even strive five hundred times. I have surely experienced love’s catastrophe a number of times – as a giver of catastrophe and a recipient of catastrophe. Either way, love always deceived and injured both the do-er and do-ee.

Love, rather, is the way to go.

Wheels within wheels
Incredibly as I was writing this piece, I was led to read the book of Ezekiel. As I read Eugene Peterson’s introduction of the book of Ezekiel, I understood why I had been led to the piece. Mr Peterson. He writes:

Catastrophe strikes and a person’s world falls apart. People respond variously, but two of the more common responses are denial and despair. Denial refuses to acknowledge the catastrophe. It shuts its eyes tight, it takes refuge in distractions and lies and fantasies. Despair is paralysed by the catastrophe and accepts it as the end of the world. It is unwilling to do anything, concluding that life for all intents and purposes is over. Despair listlessly closes its eyes to a world in which all the colour has drained out, a world gone dead...... But Ezekiel saw. He saw what the people with whom he lived either couldn’t see or wouldn’t see...God was at work in a catastrophic era. The denial people refused to see that the catastrophe was in fact catastrophic. How could it be? God wouldn’t let anything that bad happened to them. Ezekiel showed them. He showed them that, yes, there was catastrophe, but God was at work in the catastrophe, sovereignly using the catastrophe. He showed them so that they would be able to embrae God in the worst of times

Might we this Love week, forget those things which are behind? Might we forget the love ways of the past? Might we chose to reach forth to those things which are before us? Might we press, towards the mark, of the higher calling, that’s laid up for us in Love?

Happy Love Week!

Communicating your dance

I recently read somewhere that great communication is preceded by connection. What a lesson in communication and connection I have just had.

I just returned from lunch in the home of a wonderful couple. My friends, my teachers, my dinner party buddies – for so very often we and a couple of other friends find ourselves regularly rotating around each other’s homes with the odd new joiner every now and again. What a wonderful way to spend a Friday afternoon!

The Art of Conversation
Mrs had laid the table on the terrace and though it was warm outside the food, company and the conversation complemented the warmth of spirit that I felt in my soul as we thanked God for the day, enjoyed home cooked lunch and the company of my friend’s wonderful aunty who was visiting from the States. The atmosphere was filled with warmth and authenticity. No pretence here. I ate with my fingers, enjoyed the additional glass of wine and gave a toast and big ups to God Almighty for bringing us thus far. As I rushed back to work I couldn’t help but thank my hosts for their warm and genuine hospitality.

It was then that I remembered the quote I had read earlier on in the week on communication and connection. We connected – even with the two new and additional friends I had met at my friends’ place. The atmosphere rang loveliness, warmth and thankfulness for life.

Connecting to dance fluidly in trust and respect
But like Oprah Winfrey once said, communication is like a dance. One person takes one step forward in communication, and the other takes a step back. A step back to listen. A step back to absorb what the other person has said. A step back to respect them in their thoughts and mindsets and a step back to respond to them. A step back to connect. A step back to trust, for if you don’t trust someone you cannot really connect with them and your dance of communication would necessarily be tilted. Connection is preceded by quality, genuine communication. No, not shallow, superficial, on-the-surface conversations.

And that can also be in the business and personal sphere.
The clients that I have really connected with over the years have been those that really wanted change in their organisation, who trusted in our ability to deliver that technical and organisational change, and deemed us to be credible business partners to facilitate the change they needed. Note partners, not just service providers.

And they were willing to listen, really hear, what (with the diversity of our firm’s global intellectual capacity) we had to say about how that change might occur. We in turn also listened to them, we heard out their experiences and journey thus far, and respected the constraints and successes of that journey to date. Our task as change agents was to facilitate the change that would bring about the next higher level of improved performance.

And the personal sphere? When I think of those really wonderful personal friendships that I am blessed to have, those ones in which I really connect with the individuals and or the couple, those relationships are built on the foundations of mutual respect and mutual trust. With those fundamentals, we can really flow.

Dancing to the rhythm of life
Connecting in communication comes from the premise of respect, trust, transparency and kindness. In sum, journeying with the other person. It is when there has been little connection with the other person that communication is distrustful and stilted. Likewise when there is insufficient communication, connection is stifled.

I savoured and celebrate the transparency and openness of my lunch guests today. I am grateful that in openness, honesty to and respect for one another we were able to awaken connection and dance to the rhythm of life.

Overcoming the fear of flying

When you’ve overcome the fear of flying, you can enjoy cruising at the highest altitude.

Having attended at least 3 out of 4 Sunday church services in a month since 18 September 1994 (the day I really became ‘churched’), self acceptance has been my journey’s prize. Self acceptance. Sermon after sermon you are life coached to get in touch with your emotions, to let-go of your fears, and to pursue those issues of life that secure your development and success but also ensure your peace.

Your fears of failure, fears of success. To let go of those terrible events in your childhood that still manage to hunt you even unto adulthood. That sexual abuse as a child. The drug abuse as a teenager whose memory leaves you shaking your head in shame. The unhealthy marriage of your parents and the separation of your parents which brought sadness, anger, ambivalence and denial – and also left you needy of attention and love even unto adulthood. The betrayal and deceit of a loved one which left you unable to trust again as you closed in on your emotions; and the passing of a loved-one which so destabilised your life that all your emotional literacy and intelligence depleted. The years of separation from your parents which leaves you lost and ambivalent. Oh yes, I have been there.

Awakening Self Acceptance
Since that Sunday in September 1994, sermon after sermon my Father peeled off layer after layer of years of discontent, fear, shame, and every other negative adjective related to unhappiness. It was a process, a procedure – and a looong one at that.

The beauty of it is that many a times you don’t even realise that the layers are being removed, for during the journey and quest of life we all get knocked off our soap box every so often – and we collect the dirt and debris of hurt and pain as we do so. So it is a looong process. That is until the day you suddenly see yourself in a new light, you have the mind and spirit that you yourself can respect; and self-acceptance awakens.

And as self-acceptance awakens so does ease, so does relief, and so does simplicity. A simplicity of knowing. A simplicity of knowing so real that it could be perceived as complexity. Even arrogance and pretence. For when you begin to see humankind from a perspective contrary to those of many others it is you that is perceived to be the anomaly. Oh yes. Therein lies the paradox. And there might even be some truth in that.

Celebrating Births
I was a dinner with a friend last night to celebrate her birthday. As we dined, for a moment she paused and remarked that besides my functional relationships, she thought it really would be difficult for an admirer to approach me – for I have, she said, a confidence and poise so exact it borders on intimidation.

I smiled back and relayed a story. The story of my past. My despair, my shame, my fears. The story of my past vulnerabilities and loneliness. The story of my beautiful life as the world saw it. The story of my beautiful life of how I had struggled to do those things that the world expected me to - date more regularly, fake happiness, fake contentment. The story of how I went out every Wednesday {Legends, Old Burlington Street, London W1}, Friday {Upstairs at Harvey Nicks}, then a bit of Quaglinos, and then dance the night away at Tramps on Saturdays. The story of how I appeared happy but yet longed for something so much more out of my life.

And the story of how I found no peace in doing all of those things. And the story of how I came into my own being in the Lord and decided that I needed and wanted to live my life on my own terms. If nothing else for my own peace of mind. Garbage in, garbage out – a person who is not whole cannot give out wholeness to other people. Not in business (remember the movie Wall Street 2?), and definitely not in relationships. And when we fail to address the negative emotional issues of our lives, numb them out in fact and seek to develop and grow nevertheless it normally catches up on us – in failed business and personal relationships (Wall Street 2 again), ill-health, abandonment and regret.

Madiba's Self Acceptance
A woman of faith (and substance) herself, my friend spoke of how one’s faith and substance, and the lifestyle that comes with it, can make one appear superior and proud. She had been through a similar experience she echoed. But we concluded that like Marianne Williamson said in her wonderful book, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles, there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. I exist not to make anyone feel insecure, but to authentically and sincerely safeguard my own abundant life.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

No wonder Madiba chose these words as part of his inauguration speech.

Self-acceptance. Neither seeking approval nor afraid of rejection. Simply interested in living an authentic life.

Peace in the world begins with peace in you.

A Life Less Ordinary

Remembering Tonye

My brother rang me on Saturday morning - nothing out of the ordinary about that. A relentless traveller, he made a habit of sending text messages and calling from wherever in the world he found himself - just to check how I am doing, what is making me smile today, and even what I have read of late. Remarkable really when one considers that for at least three weeks in any one month he is travelling - and yet he never omits to send that sms message, make that call, and send that funny email.

But this past Saturday he rang with some bad news. He asked whether it was me that had introduced him to Tonye Claude-Wilcox some years back in London. I proudly remarked that it was. For who wouldn't be proud to know Tonye? Eager to hear more news of Tonye's wonderful feats, I enquired what Tonye had been up to lately. The news was bad, he said. Tonye had passed.

'No. No. No. No. No. No,' were the only words that I could utter. I promptly told my brother that I needed to get off the phone and that I would call him later.

Wonderful Tonye

I had met Tonye through the Love Fellowship in London. Yes, that same fellowship that I have written about again and again. Full of life, Tonye lived life with gusto. Even the memory of his gusto puts a smile on my face as I write. Tonye's speech, his walk, and his energy was as liberating as it was infectious. Full of ambition, for Tonye life was his to live and for him to live in gladness and pleasure - and he was ready to put in the hours and intensity of effort required to know that abundant life. He readily shared, readily loved, and was readily so so so humourous!

Years passed by without us seeing each other as we pursued each of our careers, but we caught up in Lagos a few years ago. How proud I was! Tonye was living his dream, his life less ordinary - glory be to God. Kind, generous, hard working, down to earth. Tonye was extra-ordinary.

Tonye, the very memory of you stirs up inspiration in me. I am grateful to God for having known you in this life, and I am comforted knowing that you knew The Lord; that you are now resting with God, Love Himself. And that you are in a place where the streets are paved of gold, and the gates of pearls.

With much love

The Eco Reserve and the Beaded Angel

A couple of requests have come through for the name and contact details of the Eco Reserve I mentioned in the last posting. Here we go: www.phantomforest.com A haven for rustic luxury with all the trimmings of hospitality magnificence and gourmet dining. I recommend Phantom Forest unreservedly.

Breakfast with Vervet Monkeys
On my last morning at the forest (for it is literally a natural forest into which delightful, green accommodation is nestled), I had an experience that scared the life out of me but at the same time reminded me of the sense of humour of The God that we serve.

I had savoured the whole experience of Knysna and although I am not really a breakfast person, and had eaten the seven-course gourment dinner the previous evening, I thought to eat breakfast on that last morning at Phantom. Food is served at Phantom Forest at the thatched Boma Hut. But I wanted to eat in the open area outside of the Boma Hut so that I could really take pleasure in the forest that morning. I wanted to hear the symphony of birdsong and see the fish eagle.

The waitress obliged and set up my breakfast table on the terrace of the Hut.

I drank fresh fruit juice, ate fresh home-made muesli mixed with natural bio yoghurt, and was just about to take a bite of my wholemeal, freshly baked muffin with a sip of fresh ground coffee when, as I looked up to put the coffee cup to my mouth, I saw a cream coloured monkey sat on the table top close by next to me. Bewildered, I sat up, looked around me to plan an immediate and quick escape, and then saw two other monkeys nearby. I yelled an almighty ‘help!” All the animal and wildlife in that forest must have thought it was Judgement Day.

As I ran back towards the Boma hut, a kind, kind, kind hotel guest came running out of the Hut to meet me, as did the waitress and another waiter. The hotel guest ran to me, hugged me, led me into the Boma Hut and reassured me that the animals are harmless. They don’t attack humans she reassured me and said all the cheeky monkeys wanted was my breakfast. A countless visitor to the Phantom Forest, she loved to come back again and again to enjoy the reserve and its unforgettable hospitality.

Vervet monkeys, I am told. They love to steal food. They are also apparently frightened predominantly by men, as I a sat alone, a female in their forest eating a gourmet breakfast, I really would not stand a chance of not sharing my breakfast. Then I remembered the notices around the Tree Suites asking residents not to leave food in the balcony area so as not to tempt the monkeys to descend down. I get it...

As we looked outside from the Boma Hut we saw one of the monkeys with my white muesli and yoghurt bowl in his hand, scooping out its content with his other hand. We saw another one moneky with my muffins! They were telling me, 'Thank you!"

My Beaded Angel
As I sat down and recuperated inside the Boma Hut to continue my breakfast, I engaged the other hotel guest in the restaurant in conversation. Retired but still looking strong, healthy and fit, she said she is a constant in-country traveller and writer. She shared her travel experiences with me and as she departed the restaurent to check-out to her next travel destination, the Eastern Cape, she handed me a gift of a beaded angel: “Now, you had quite a scare this morning,’’ she said. “Here is a little gift for you to remind you of your experience this morning and to know that angels are with you wherever you go.” I have carried that beaded angel with me everywhere I have gone since that day.

Reflections
As I reflected on what had happened that morning as we drove the six hour journey back to Cape Town, I marvelled at the divine lesson in it all. There I was, I had spent a memorable few days at this wonderful eco reserve and although I had heard the birdsong throughout, I hadn't however seen any of the animals. Not that I minded, mind you, for I am not really an animal lover. Sound strange? Well, the pull of the Phantom Forest to me as a search through the coffee-table book ‘South Africa Chic: hotel, lodges and spas’ a few months back was so strong that I did not care that I would be sharing my luxury environment with animals. I knew I would have a wonderful experience nonetheless.

To my mind this finale at Phantom was God reassuring me – reassuring me that in life you need to savour all of your experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly – for these are all learning milestones. I was also reassured that when experiencing the bad and the ugly, the same angels that engineered the good in your life with God would protect you from, or see you through, the ugly experiences.

Viva Phantom Forest!

Balance

Berated by friends world over for the general strike on my blog postings, it’s time to apologise for the absence of postings in 2010 and get back to work. It time to say welcome to 2011, and to say welcome to balance. Balance, the inspiration that stimulates me to write. For when I reflect on the year 2010 I remember relocation, and the concomitant busy-ness and exhilaration that comes together with it. Plenty of fun, plenty of activity but I am not certain that there was enough balance close at hand.

But I thank God that I am finding that balance that I so need to awaken my inspirations once again. Before I turned 40 last autumn, I could not even spell the word balance. We are often told that 40 represents a significant milestone, and as I approached my own significant milestone I began my stock take. Good God, what an exercise in self- abuse and maltreatment.

Like most people who ventured into such reflection, I couldn’t find enough evidence of significant accomplishment. Or rather I chose not to see the evidence of my many triumphs over the past four decades. So whilst I should have been thanking God, my parents, my siblings and dear friends world over for their tremendous love and kindness shared over the years, I rather selfishly looked inwards - and as I did that I found that there was much more that I had hoped to accomplish, could have accomplished and much more that I needed to crack on to accomplish in the coming years. But it was that focus on the imbalance that kept me off-balance, and threatened to keep me fearful.

It was during that season that I was invited to be a panellist at a women’s conference. I thanked the organisers for inviting and told them how I would have loved to be a part of the forum, but for my imbalance. I explained away my excuses by saying that only a whole person could give back and at the juncture that I found myself, I didn’t feel whole and therefore could not convey the inspiration that participants to the conference would surely be expecting from me. The conference organisers promptly found other more willing panellists.

A Sense of Urgency
But the God Who is able to keep us from falling ensured that I knew balance once again. 40 to me brought a sense of urgency; an urgency to do those things that you’ve always wanted to do, to be that person you’ve always wanted to become, to appreciate those relationships with friends and family, and an urgency to be less rigid and less judgemental in my approach and take on issues of life.

The day itself was spent in the company of very dear friends in appreciation of their love and kindness over the years, and the celebration of a few days after that was an intimate dinner party by the poolside with a dozen carefully chosen friends in Ghana and Nigeria. It was love and gratitude in motion. A day after the celebration I flew out to Dubai en route to South Africa. No, no shopping trip for me. I wanted to spend time with an old friend who I had not seen for at too many years and whose husband and children I had not yet met. It was to be a moment of cherishing and appreciating a childhood friendship. And what a time it was.

Then came South Africa. I arrived in Joburg and although my host offered to pick me up at the airport I declined on the offer because I wanted to take the Guatrain. How I revelled at the Gautrain! Africa is coming of age. Within a few minutes I was in Sandton. My dearest friend and life coach Thandie met me at the train station and within an hour of my arrival her friends had arrived at her home with flowers and champagne to welcome me. A few hours after that we were at dinner. Six 30 and 40 somethings sharing experiences, thanking God for our journey thus far and inspiring one another for the next milestone. If ever I had forgotten that I was blessed, I remembered again there and then.

The Wonderful Western Cape

A few days after that we flew to Cape Town. I had travelled to South Africa countless times but I had never experienced South Africa until this trip. I wanted to see Table Mountain, to experience the wine farms of the Western Cape, enjoy the extravagance of a luxury eco-reserve hotel, see the Cape of Good Hope and enjoy the best of Western Cape’s seafood and wine. Church and fellowship South Africa style was also part of the equation.

If ever God spoke to me loud and clear during 2010 it was during those days (and that long drive from Cape Town to Knysna and back to Cape Town) spent in South Africa. What did He say? Many things. But the long and short of it was to reassure me of His love and care, and to remind me that all those hard and fast rules religious rules I had harboured and imposed on myself, were nothing to do with Him.

I like the way Eugene Peterson put it in his introduction to the book of Hebrews in The Message translation of the Holy Scriptures. Mr Peterson says this: ‘it seems odd to have to say so, but too much religion is a bad thing. We can’t get too much of God, can’t get too much faith and obedience can’t get too much love and worship. But religion – the well intentioned efforts we make to ‘get it all together’ for God – can very well get in the way of what God is doing for us..... we become fussily religious, or anxiously religious. We get in the way’. Back to my balance then.

Balance. Finding your equilibrium. Consistently nurturing your inspirations. Consistently improving your character. Responding to your equilibrium. Meditation. Prayer. Sharing. Avoiding the temptations of busy-ness to ‘get it all together’ whilst ignoring those experiences and relationships that really matter.