Comfort food, soothing songs, calming joy

Whenever I need comforting, I resort to one of the following routines:

(a) purchase of one too many baklavas (sweet layers of filo pastry filled with chopped nuts and sweetened with syrup or honey), a rush home to make a pot of tea, followed by a plonk on the sofa with the TV channel on BBC World, preferably with one of those documentaries such as the World’s Untold Stories or the Qatar Debates
(b) Listen to Marvin Gaye’s absolutely marvellous epic rhymes as told in the classic ‘What’s Going On?’ album, preferably whilst driving on a scenic route
(c)Afternoon spent at Mummy’s kitchen table – eating home cooked food, enjoying some wine, and chit chatting the day away knowing that you wouldn’t trade these moments for anything else

And I certainly needed my baklavas yesterday
As I and my colleagues drove into Roberts International airport, I was glad for the imminent return home. Home. Comfort. Rest.

But even before I walked into the airport terminal the thoughts of my personal effects which I would now have to go home without engulfed my feelings, for we had just realised that the hotel porter had failed to bring my luggage down to the hotel lobby from the room as I had asked. In a rush to our meetings of the morning, confident that the porter had followed the instructions given to him, I had failed to check that my luggage was in the boot of the car together with those of my colleagues. It was too late now to go back to the hotel now and return to the airport – we had less than an hour or so before departure, and we were travelling on an American airline. The security checks would take at least that amount of time.

I pondered on the items of my personal effects that I would be going home without:

 My Tiffany Amber black flowing chiffon comfort skirt. That one that you could dress up and dress down. Yes, the one that was ready-to-wear whatever time of the month it is and whatever the occasion – formal or informal
 My newly purchased ReneeQ designed Swarovski crystal jewellery set. Less than a week old. Expressly chosen, lovingly worn only on one other occasion.
 My gorgeous Seyi Jones Afro-chic, puffy sleeved shirt. Dress up, dress down – any day, any time. No more
 And my Bible. My Message translation of the Holy Bible. Yes, The Message. For I did away with the King James’ and the NIVs years ago for a more refreshing, energising and down-to-earth translation of The Holy Bible.
 My only pair of flat shoes – reserved for travelling and those European and American walk-till-you-drop shopping trips
 All of my make-up. Yes, ALL. Foundation, powder, lip liner, mascara, blush. Even my Bobbi Brown liquid eyeliner duo.

Oh yes, I needed comforting.

After the two hour long flight I arrived home and longed for my cup of tea and baklava. I longed to hear Mr Gaye speak inspiration into me even as he would sing those instructive and melodious songs and hymns in the ‘What’s Going On?” album. I longed for Mummy’s hug and to hear her voice. I longed for a feast at her kitchen table. Comfort.

But Mummy was in Zimbabwe, the supermarket was closed when I arrived back home, and I couldn’t find my What’s Going On? CD.

Calming joy
But hey, guess what? Mummy’s back tonight and I found my CD this morning!

I revelled in the melody and message of the songs as I drove to the gym early this morning. The air was clean and fresh as I drove, and I knew, as I felt then, that all God’s children need comforting every now and again. In between thanking God and finding relaxation, I pondered on where and how I would replace my make-up items, Bible and favourite sloppy-lounging-at home dress. I exhaled.

But the lyrics of all the songs on that CD really lifted and comforted me. Marvin Gaye rhymed of the need to make peace a priority and not war: peace with yourself and peace in the world. He crooned of the need to respect our environment, not to destroy it for in so doing we save ourselves – inevitably respecting yourself, humanity and the lives of others; and he spoke of the need for freedom. Freedom from the lies of governments and freedom from the deceit of our political leaders. And last but not least Mr Gaye beamed about Love – the love for God and the love for humanity.

Oh yes, I was comforted.

Adjusting the sails

We cannot always direct the tenor and severity of the wind of life that blows at us, we but can certainly adjust the sails.

We can adjust the sails and even as we do so the day comes when you gather the strength of spirit so high that you not only adjust the sails, but you also threaten the sacred cow that seeks to intimidate you.

Confronting our difficulties is sometimes as necessary as praying them away.

Dousing self importance
This week has been a week filled with God’s abundant grace; and I have had to stoop and choose humility and compassion in a situation where I really might have chosen fury. I believe that in choosing meekness instead of fury, I threatened the sacred cow that sought to intimidate and imprison me in the stronghold of pride and self-importance. Note, self-importance – not self-assurance which I spoke/wrote about some days ago, for these are two totally opposing dispositions.

We can adjust the sails and choose faith, hope and love as the principles that will bind and govern our behaviours and responses. For in doing that you not only demonstrate self-mastery but you also exhibit faith, hope and love.

Faith, hope and love
But even as I think self-mastery is a crucial and critical tool for this C21st living, I am convinced that faith, hope and love are ancient tools of the art of living. I haven’t mastered these myself but I certainly must. For with faith, we exhibit an acceptance that we are creators of The Creator; with hope we demonstrate our reliance on The Creator; and with love we express the gladness of faith and hope’s profit and dividend.

The ancient Holy Scriptures speak to the importance and significance of love. And as we approach St Valentine’s day it is heart warning to speak of love!

But we really should speak of love not as the verb but as a noun. We should speak of the Love that is governed by faith, hope and love. For the verb to love today has become synonymous with falsities. The falsities of sending red roses to your sweetheart on St Valentine’s day when you know that you haven’t really respected nor loved him/her. The roses sit on her/his table rather as a trophy of falsities as opposed to a testimony of your endearment.

The falsities of ‘treating’ your partner to a weekend at that exquisite resort for St.Valentine only for you to sneak away at moments during the weekend to make that call, send that text or that BB IM to your ‘bit on the side’. These are the falsities that keep us worshiping the sacred cow of pride and self-importance, even as we nurture and feed the cycle of vulnerability.

The greatest of these is Love
But let us talk about the noun Love. Love, founded on faith and hope. Love, which really ought to govern all things. For if Love governed all things we might really all know a happier existence. Love has chosen though, in tenderness and affection, to allow us the liberty of mind and the freedom to choose Him, Love, or to choose love. I am convinced that Love’s premise in doing that is to permit us the independence of mind to realise that love fails but Love abides.

But when we persist in love, the doings and undoings of love, catastrophe strikes. The catastrophes of denial and despair. The catastrophe of love may strike once, it may strike twice or it may even strive five hundred times. I have surely experienced love’s catastrophe a number of times – as a giver of catastrophe and a recipient of catastrophe. Either way, love always deceived and injured both the do-er and do-ee.

Love, rather, is the way to go.

Wheels within wheels
Incredibly as I was writing this piece, I was led to read the book of Ezekiel. As I read Eugene Peterson’s introduction of the book of Ezekiel, I understood why I had been led to the piece. Mr Peterson. He writes:

Catastrophe strikes and a person’s world falls apart. People respond variously, but two of the more common responses are denial and despair. Denial refuses to acknowledge the catastrophe. It shuts its eyes tight, it takes refuge in distractions and lies and fantasies. Despair is paralysed by the catastrophe and accepts it as the end of the world. It is unwilling to do anything, concluding that life for all intents and purposes is over. Despair listlessly closes its eyes to a world in which all the colour has drained out, a world gone dead...... But Ezekiel saw. He saw what the people with whom he lived either couldn’t see or wouldn’t see...God was at work in a catastrophic era. The denial people refused to see that the catastrophe was in fact catastrophic. How could it be? God wouldn’t let anything that bad happened to them. Ezekiel showed them. He showed them that, yes, there was catastrophe, but God was at work in the catastrophe, sovereignly using the catastrophe. He showed them so that they would be able to embrae God in the worst of times

Might we this Love week, forget those things which are behind? Might we forget the love ways of the past? Might we chose to reach forth to those things which are before us? Might we press, towards the mark, of the higher calling, that’s laid up for us in Love?

Happy Love Week!

Communicating your dance

I recently read somewhere that great communication is preceded by connection. What a lesson in communication and connection I have just had.

I just returned from lunch in the home of a wonderful couple. My friends, my teachers, my dinner party buddies – for so very often we and a couple of other friends find ourselves regularly rotating around each other’s homes with the odd new joiner every now and again. What a wonderful way to spend a Friday afternoon!

The Art of Conversation
Mrs had laid the table on the terrace and though it was warm outside the food, company and the conversation complemented the warmth of spirit that I felt in my soul as we thanked God for the day, enjoyed home cooked lunch and the company of my friend’s wonderful aunty who was visiting from the States. The atmosphere was filled with warmth and authenticity. No pretence here. I ate with my fingers, enjoyed the additional glass of wine and gave a toast and big ups to God Almighty for bringing us thus far. As I rushed back to work I couldn’t help but thank my hosts for their warm and genuine hospitality.

It was then that I remembered the quote I had read earlier on in the week on communication and connection. We connected – even with the two new and additional friends I had met at my friends’ place. The atmosphere rang loveliness, warmth and thankfulness for life.

Connecting to dance fluidly in trust and respect
But like Oprah Winfrey once said, communication is like a dance. One person takes one step forward in communication, and the other takes a step back. A step back to listen. A step back to absorb what the other person has said. A step back to respect them in their thoughts and mindsets and a step back to respond to them. A step back to connect. A step back to trust, for if you don’t trust someone you cannot really connect with them and your dance of communication would necessarily be tilted. Connection is preceded by quality, genuine communication. No, not shallow, superficial, on-the-surface conversations.

And that can also be in the business and personal sphere.
The clients that I have really connected with over the years have been those that really wanted change in their organisation, who trusted in our ability to deliver that technical and organisational change, and deemed us to be credible business partners to facilitate the change they needed. Note partners, not just service providers.

And they were willing to listen, really hear, what (with the diversity of our firm’s global intellectual capacity) we had to say about how that change might occur. We in turn also listened to them, we heard out their experiences and journey thus far, and respected the constraints and successes of that journey to date. Our task as change agents was to facilitate the change that would bring about the next higher level of improved performance.

And the personal sphere? When I think of those really wonderful personal friendships that I am blessed to have, those ones in which I really connect with the individuals and or the couple, those relationships are built on the foundations of mutual respect and mutual trust. With those fundamentals, we can really flow.

Dancing to the rhythm of life
Connecting in communication comes from the premise of respect, trust, transparency and kindness. In sum, journeying with the other person. It is when there has been little connection with the other person that communication is distrustful and stilted. Likewise when there is insufficient communication, connection is stifled.

I savoured and celebrate the transparency and openness of my lunch guests today. I am grateful that in openness, honesty to and respect for one another we were able to awaken connection and dance to the rhythm of life.

Overcoming the fear of flying

When you’ve overcome the fear of flying, you can enjoy cruising at the highest altitude.

Having attended at least 3 out of 4 Sunday church services in a month since 18 September 1994 (the day I really became ‘churched’), self acceptance has been my journey’s prize. Self acceptance. Sermon after sermon you are life coached to get in touch with your emotions, to let-go of your fears, and to pursue those issues of life that secure your development and success but also ensure your peace.

Your fears of failure, fears of success. To let go of those terrible events in your childhood that still manage to hunt you even unto adulthood. That sexual abuse as a child. The drug abuse as a teenager whose memory leaves you shaking your head in shame. The unhealthy marriage of your parents and the separation of your parents which brought sadness, anger, ambivalence and denial – and also left you needy of attention and love even unto adulthood. The betrayal and deceit of a loved one which left you unable to trust again as you closed in on your emotions; and the passing of a loved-one which so destabilised your life that all your emotional literacy and intelligence depleted. The years of separation from your parents which leaves you lost and ambivalent. Oh yes, I have been there.

Awakening Self Acceptance
Since that Sunday in September 1994, sermon after sermon my Father peeled off layer after layer of years of discontent, fear, shame, and every other negative adjective related to unhappiness. It was a process, a procedure – and a looong one at that.

The beauty of it is that many a times you don’t even realise that the layers are being removed, for during the journey and quest of life we all get knocked off our soap box every so often – and we collect the dirt and debris of hurt and pain as we do so. So it is a looong process. That is until the day you suddenly see yourself in a new light, you have the mind and spirit that you yourself can respect; and self-acceptance awakens.

And as self-acceptance awakens so does ease, so does relief, and so does simplicity. A simplicity of knowing. A simplicity of knowing so real that it could be perceived as complexity. Even arrogance and pretence. For when you begin to see humankind from a perspective contrary to those of many others it is you that is perceived to be the anomaly. Oh yes. Therein lies the paradox. And there might even be some truth in that.

Celebrating Births
I was a dinner with a friend last night to celebrate her birthday. As we dined, for a moment she paused and remarked that besides my functional relationships, she thought it really would be difficult for an admirer to approach me – for I have, she said, a confidence and poise so exact it borders on intimidation.

I smiled back and relayed a story. The story of my past. My despair, my shame, my fears. The story of my past vulnerabilities and loneliness. The story of my beautiful life as the world saw it. The story of my beautiful life of how I had struggled to do those things that the world expected me to - date more regularly, fake happiness, fake contentment. The story of how I went out every Wednesday {Legends, Old Burlington Street, London W1}, Friday {Upstairs at Harvey Nicks}, then a bit of Quaglinos, and then dance the night away at Tramps on Saturdays. The story of how I appeared happy but yet longed for something so much more out of my life.

And the story of how I found no peace in doing all of those things. And the story of how I came into my own being in the Lord and decided that I needed and wanted to live my life on my own terms. If nothing else for my own peace of mind. Garbage in, garbage out – a person who is not whole cannot give out wholeness to other people. Not in business (remember the movie Wall Street 2?), and definitely not in relationships. And when we fail to address the negative emotional issues of our lives, numb them out in fact and seek to develop and grow nevertheless it normally catches up on us – in failed business and personal relationships (Wall Street 2 again), ill-health, abandonment and regret.

Madiba's Self Acceptance
A woman of faith (and substance) herself, my friend spoke of how one’s faith and substance, and the lifestyle that comes with it, can make one appear superior and proud. She had been through a similar experience she echoed. But we concluded that like Marianne Williamson said in her wonderful book, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles, there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. I exist not to make anyone feel insecure, but to authentically and sincerely safeguard my own abundant life.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

No wonder Madiba chose these words as part of his inauguration speech.

Self-acceptance. Neither seeking approval nor afraid of rejection. Simply interested in living an authentic life.

Peace in the world begins with peace in you.

A Life Less Ordinary

Remembering Tonye

My brother rang me on Saturday morning - nothing out of the ordinary about that. A relentless traveller, he made a habit of sending text messages and calling from wherever in the world he found himself - just to check how I am doing, what is making me smile today, and even what I have read of late. Remarkable really when one considers that for at least three weeks in any one month he is travelling - and yet he never omits to send that sms message, make that call, and send that funny email.

But this past Saturday he rang with some bad news. He asked whether it was me that had introduced him to Tonye Claude-Wilcox some years back in London. I proudly remarked that it was. For who wouldn't be proud to know Tonye? Eager to hear more news of Tonye's wonderful feats, I enquired what Tonye had been up to lately. The news was bad, he said. Tonye had passed.

'No. No. No. No. No. No,' were the only words that I could utter. I promptly told my brother that I needed to get off the phone and that I would call him later.

Wonderful Tonye

I had met Tonye through the Love Fellowship in London. Yes, that same fellowship that I have written about again and again. Full of life, Tonye lived life with gusto. Even the memory of his gusto puts a smile on my face as I write. Tonye's speech, his walk, and his energy was as liberating as it was infectious. Full of ambition, for Tonye life was his to live and for him to live in gladness and pleasure - and he was ready to put in the hours and intensity of effort required to know that abundant life. He readily shared, readily loved, and was readily so so so humourous!

Years passed by without us seeing each other as we pursued each of our careers, but we caught up in Lagos a few years ago. How proud I was! Tonye was living his dream, his life less ordinary - glory be to God. Kind, generous, hard working, down to earth. Tonye was extra-ordinary.

Tonye, the very memory of you stirs up inspiration in me. I am grateful to God for having known you in this life, and I am comforted knowing that you knew The Lord; that you are now resting with God, Love Himself. And that you are in a place where the streets are paved of gold, and the gates of pearls.

With much love